I'd like

to pack everything up and leave. a few pieces of clothing, some books, Gonzo. i don't really feel the need to pack much more than that. of course i'd like Ty to come along. but i might go even if he didn't. i won't go, at all, though. not yet, anyway. as ready as i feel i know that i'm not really ready and leaving would only cause me more problems. or at least i think that it would. i could be wrong about that too. but none the less i'm not leaving right now.

i have a new feeling that once i start on this better path that i will be able to do it all right. not that i won't want to give up or throw it all down and leave again sometime in the future, but i am feeling that my focus will not allow me to wonder too far away this time. not as far as i wondered last time.

that was much too far.

i have to start reading more. start listening more. start paying closer attention. stop letting myself get in the way. push everything else aside for a short amount of time so that i can really figure it all out and make something of it. bring it to the surface. look at it under a microscope. write down exactly how it looks. descrivbe every little detail with the perfect words. capture it in a jar and set in on my shelf to look at everyday and know that i did it.

it can't really be all that hard. it's already there i just have to harness it. pull it in and remember it and even though it may be difficult i have to live it again to make it perfect.

i hope i can make it through one more time. hopefully one last time.

so this is me telling all of you that i will do this. i can do this and i have no other choice. you won't be disappointed.

but i may be.