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i'm not entirely sure how i feel at the moment.

i'm very comfused about life and love and what we call love and what love truly is and it is beginning to get to me.

there is nothing really that i can do that will make me feel better. i suppose i will just have to figure it all out as i go.

there are people who are much worse off than you are, kinsey.

stop being so selfish.

this is not important...

sometimes i write because i have something to say that is actually important. or at least i feel like it is some what worthy of being read.

sometimes i write simply because i have an opinion that i need to express and that i want to share with others to get their input and comments.

but there are times when i just want to write.

i just enjoy the process of thinking and typing and seeing and reading. it is uplifting and even though it may never be read i still feel like i am making some type of secret progress.

i am meant to write.

that much i am certain of. how i perfect the art and who is there to guide me along the way, i am not sure of. all i know is that my whole life i have been amazed by watching my friends and class mates chase thier dreams. amazed at the fact that they knew from the very being what they were meant to do in life. all the time thinking i was not meant to do anything. now i realize that i knew all along. a career in writing seems as far away to me as a career in professional football, but it is what i have to do. i know, because i know that it is what i am meant to do.

it is...what it is...

i push my hand deep into the hot wax
it stings as it pulls at my skin
close your eyes
bite your tongue
hold your breath
hold your breath
bite your tongue
close your eyes
this is what i deserve, isn't it?
just a little pain for punishment
make a fist
grit your teeth
take a breath
take a breath
grit your teeth
make a fist
i want to scream
because it is what i've been taught
but there is nothing worth screaming about
all is numb now
i have waited too long.
too long i have waited.
have i waited too long?
of course i have.

*breathe in...breathe out*

what have learned about life?

life is not something that happens the way that you plan or imagine it to.

it comes and it goes and it sucks and it glows and it turns down paths that lead to nowhere and somewhere all at the same time

and you are left with a handful of puzzle pieces that not only do not fit together but are not even the same picture.

what do you do then?

you cut off corners and tape on edges until you can make something that resembles a shape and you dip a paint roller into white paint until it is soaked with the stuff and you run it over the miss match surface of your "puzzle"

you want to dream
but there is only reality
and believe it or not reality is a wonderful thing
we just cannot see past our dreams to realize it.