striving

i yawn and stretch as the alarm sounds over and over. the soft sound grows louder in anticipation. get up, it tells me. then louder; get up!. and so i do. i get up and i put it out of it's misery.

my morning routine is incredibly typical. i shower and i shave and i wash and then i finally make myself leave the hot, stress relieving water, and i stand infront of a foggy mirror and wait and wait for it to clear.

by the time it does, i may as well be climbing back into bed again. it happens that quickly every single day. i wake up and i may as well be going right back to sleep.

i do not want it to be this way. sometimes i dismiss my morning classes only because i am so exhausted from the habit. if you were to ask me why i am failing i would reply

"i am failing because i was too busy making an attempt to stay sane. it didn't work."

it doesn't work. it would work if only i could continue the pattern. but then it too would become routine and if i must be suffocated by routine i'd rather it be one that i come out of with something. something such as a degree, i suppose. or at least a well rounded education that might assist some future something.

maybe.a.little.poetry.

you pull me down
and drown me out
and run me over
in a good way
you make me smile
i make me slip
i let you
have your own say
turning over
in the summer
blankets filled with ants
burning deeper
then the winter
taking every chance
having every dance
its a new way to think
way to breathe
way to stitch
way to mend
and paint
and draw
and knit
i am not who i want
you are not who i am
we are growing
growing
falling
into something new and fresh
making new ones
killing old ones
set fire to the past
watch it melt into
the colors that
i thought would always last.

almost over. almost over. so close.

my senior year has brought me:

closer..
to friends
to life
to ty
to writing
to beliefs
to myself

fear..
of the future
of loans
of scholarships
of losing
them.
all of them.
of love
of living
of happiness
of contentment
of paint filled
water balloons
and powder colors
covered in rain

acceptance...
of who i am
and who i'll
become and
who i want
to be
of my families
current state
of my
relationship
of my past guilt
present guilt
future guilt
of the part
of my life
that i've wasted
of the part i am
wasting right
now
of the part that
i will never waste
of the fact that
i will have to
take out a student
loan
of summer jobs
of playing barbie
as the island princess
of my crazy friends
of their crazy boyfriends
of those who want so
badly to be something
important
but just don't
know how to get there

happiness
in my relationship
with ty
with my friends
with my family
with my self.
that's important
with my new choices
with my new unsettled
beliefs
with my current state
of
mind
with my soul
with my art
with my words

as it all starts to come into veiw...i realize that there are things that happened this year that will change my life forever. i never wanted to be the person who looks back and says that these "were the best days of my life" so i won't be. mainly because these are not the best days of my life. i refuse to let that be true, because i refuse to have that sucky of a life. but i will and can say that my senior year of high school has opened doors and windows and secret passage ways that i never knew existed. i know that from here i will only learn more. i will only get better. i will only be greater. my senior year wasn't the best. i won't even be here for graduation, but i can say that my senior year was a turning point. the part where i start over and over and over and never stop starting over because starting over means getting better and getting better means getting wiser and getting wiser means being read and that's all i want to be.

read.
read.
read.

that's it. always. that's all i have

ever.
ever.
ever.

wanted.

nothing important...

i really just feel like writting.

i have been thinking a lot lately about my future. my "take one day at a time" philosophy is beginning to back fire.

i should have been focusing more on college stuff...but i guess that sort of thing happens when you are as lazy as i am, and care more about dying your hair then applying for scholarships.

to say it aloud sounds just terrible.

so the plan now is to focus. the first step in focusing being to write in my blog that i am going to focus so that when i come here everyday, to check for comments that noone ever leaves, i will quickly be reminded that i have more important things to do.

step two in focusing is to actually do the more important things that i should be doing. which, as you well can see, i am not doing very good at right now.

42

i'm not entirely sure how i feel at the moment.

i'm very comfused about life and love and what we call love and what love truly is and it is beginning to get to me.

there is nothing really that i can do that will make me feel better. i suppose i will just have to figure it all out as i go.

there are people who are much worse off than you are, kinsey.

stop being so selfish.

this is not important...

sometimes i write because i have something to say that is actually important. or at least i feel like it is some what worthy of being read.

sometimes i write simply because i have an opinion that i need to express and that i want to share with others to get their input and comments.

but there are times when i just want to write.

i just enjoy the process of thinking and typing and seeing and reading. it is uplifting and even though it may never be read i still feel like i am making some type of secret progress.

i am meant to write.

that much i am certain of. how i perfect the art and who is there to guide me along the way, i am not sure of. all i know is that my whole life i have been amazed by watching my friends and class mates chase thier dreams. amazed at the fact that they knew from the very being what they were meant to do in life. all the time thinking i was not meant to do anything. now i realize that i knew all along. a career in writing seems as far away to me as a career in professional football, but it is what i have to do. i know, because i know that it is what i am meant to do.

it is...what it is...

i push my hand deep into the hot wax
it stings as it pulls at my skin
close your eyes
bite your tongue
hold your breath
hold your breath
bite your tongue
close your eyes
this is what i deserve, isn't it?
just a little pain for punishment
make a fist
grit your teeth
take a breath
take a breath
grit your teeth
make a fist
i want to scream
because it is what i've been taught
but there is nothing worth screaming about
all is numb now
i have waited too long.
too long i have waited.
have i waited too long?
of course i have.

*breathe in...breathe out*

what have learned about life?

life is not something that happens the way that you plan or imagine it to.

it comes and it goes and it sucks and it glows and it turns down paths that lead to nowhere and somewhere all at the same time

and you are left with a handful of puzzle pieces that not only do not fit together but are not even the same picture.

what do you do then?

you cut off corners and tape on edges until you can make something that resembles a shape and you dip a paint roller into white paint until it is soaked with the stuff and you run it over the miss match surface of your "puzzle"

you want to dream
but there is only reality
and believe it or not reality is a wonderful thing
we just cannot see past our dreams to realize it.

Oh 2009...How Quickly You've Arrived

i am not sure that i am prepared enough to actually realize that it is 2000 and freaking 9....

IMPOSSIBLE.

where does time go, i would like to know.

it feels like i just starting highschool and, here i am, a few months away from graduation. ugh. i feel ill. the idea of being out of school, free in the big-big world of possibilities. what will i do? where will i go? probably nowhere...but maybe...maybe somewhere. it is a little disorienting. i what to go back but i want to move forward. and i cannot decide which one i want more, but it doesn't matter, because only one is even an option.

SOMEONE GET ME A TIME MACHINE.