I'd like

to pack everything up and leave. a few pieces of clothing, some books, Gonzo. i don't really feel the need to pack much more than that. of course i'd like Ty to come along. but i might go even if he didn't. i won't go, at all, though. not yet, anyway. as ready as i feel i know that i'm not really ready and leaving would only cause me more problems. or at least i think that it would. i could be wrong about that too. but none the less i'm not leaving right now.

i have a new feeling that once i start on this better path that i will be able to do it all right. not that i won't want to give up or throw it all down and leave again sometime in the future, but i am feeling that my focus will not allow me to wonder too far away this time. not as far as i wondered last time.

that was much too far.

i have to start reading more. start listening more. start paying closer attention. stop letting myself get in the way. push everything else aside for a short amount of time so that i can really figure it all out and make something of it. bring it to the surface. look at it under a microscope. write down exactly how it looks. descrivbe every little detail with the perfect words. capture it in a jar and set in on my shelf to look at everyday and know that i did it.

it can't really be all that hard. it's already there i just have to harness it. pull it in and remember it and even though it may be difficult i have to live it again to make it perfect.

i hope i can make it through one more time. hopefully one last time.

so this is me telling all of you that i will do this. i can do this and i have no other choice. you won't be disappointed.

but i may be.

i feel

sick. i dont think ill be doing that very often, if ever, again.

but besides that i feel good. i feel happy. i feel satisfied.

i know what i have to do and i kept losing focus but i am not going to lose focus anymore. i have to stop letting myself get in the way of the things that are what matter and what need to be done and said.

it may mean sacrifice but ill just have to be okay with that because in the end it will be less sacrifice until someday it will mean no sacrifice at all.

or that could all be mixed up and it will eventually mean sacrificing everything.

but as i said. i just have to do it and find out and stop hoping for things so much.

stop stressing, start focusing.

thats what my tampon told me this morning.

it seemed accurate enough.

it's like this

i havent written in a long time because i find myself finding myself unable to write what i want to say how i want to say it in the sentence structure that makes it make the most since and still allows it sound the way i want it to sound.

its ridicuous really the things i let get in the way.

i dont use much punctuation while im writing anymore either. plenty of time for editing later. its all about getting the thoughts down fast. fast. fast. before they vanish. this is the moment. its here now and it will only be here now and it will never ever come again. grab it.

i have to start remembering these things. thinking about them. holding on to them so that they dont slip away from me. i tell myself that i write things in my head all the time which is true but it doesnt count. it just doesnt. i dont remember them no one ever hears to remember them for me. they are gone. so many things that i could have said and i didnt and they are gone.

it isnt always going to be this way i swear. one day i write and i wont be able to stop and someone will love me for it and someone will know me for it and someone point to me and be proud.

i want to make people feel the way i feel when i read something someone has written and i take a deep breathe and know in that moment that i am real. i am real and i am solid and i am breathing. i can be do say sing laugh cry jump anything. i can do anything. i want to make people feel like they can do anything, because they can.

its been too long since ive let myself go and keep going and finally say something that means something. makes since. to myself at least.

im going to have to do this more often.