it's like this

i havent written in a long time because i find myself finding myself unable to write what i want to say how i want to say it in the sentence structure that makes it make the most since and still allows it sound the way i want it to sound.

its ridicuous really the things i let get in the way.

i dont use much punctuation while im writing anymore either. plenty of time for editing later. its all about getting the thoughts down fast. fast. fast. before they vanish. this is the moment. its here now and it will only be here now and it will never ever come again. grab it.

i have to start remembering these things. thinking about them. holding on to them so that they dont slip away from me. i tell myself that i write things in my head all the time which is true but it doesnt count. it just doesnt. i dont remember them no one ever hears to remember them for me. they are gone. so many things that i could have said and i didnt and they are gone.

it isnt always going to be this way i swear. one day i write and i wont be able to stop and someone will love me for it and someone will know me for it and someone point to me and be proud.

i want to make people feel the way i feel when i read something someone has written and i take a deep breathe and know in that moment that i am real. i am real and i am solid and i am breathing. i can be do say sing laugh cry jump anything. i can do anything. i want to make people feel like they can do anything, because they can.

its been too long since ive let myself go and keep going and finally say something that means something. makes since. to myself at least.

im going to have to do this more often.